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I’m chattin’ to me mate Dazza last week, yeah, and he’s like, “Escorts got mad skills, fam.” Truth! They’re therapists, actors, all that – rollin’ deep in charisma. Like in the movie, “I didn’t see anything” – but I see it, bruv! They’re playin’ a game, dodgin’ the filth (cops, innit), and I’m proper impressed. Ever tried talkin’ some geezer outta his woes at 3 a.m.? Respect, fam.

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While I’m waiting, I overhear this couple arguing. They’re going at it, and I’m just sipping my coffee, eavesdropping like it’s my job. The guy’s all, “You never listen!” and she’s like, “Well, you never talk!” I’m thinking, “Man, relationships are like spells. You gotta find the right ingredients.”