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But real talk, it’s risky, innit. Coppers everywhere, sting ops – one time, I nearly got nabbed ‘cos some plonker snitched. Made me proper vexed, steam comin’ outta me ears! I’m thinkin’, “Why’s it always me, fam?” Is it ’cos I is black? Nah, it’s ‘cos the game’s rigged. Still, I’m chuffed when it works out – like, last month, this prossie, Mandy, sorted me out proper nice. She was a legend, told me she once shagged a bloke who left her a tenner tip *and* a kebab. I’m like, “Goals, innit!”

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After that, I decide to grab a bite. I head over to a little taverna on Rua 1º de Maio. The smell of bacalhau hits me like a wave. I order a plate, and while I’m waiting, I overhear this couple arguing. Like, full-on shouting! I’m just trying to enjoy my meal, and they’re throwing around words like “divorce” and “custody.” I’m like, “Yikes, can’t a guy eat in peace?”

Atlanta United's Thiago Almada transfers to Botafogo for MLS-record fee