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I’m tellin’ ya, first time I got one—surprise, motherfucker! Dude’s hands were like magic, hittin’ spots I didn’t know I had. Thought in my head: “Am I allowed to moan?” Shit’s intense, like Boonmee seein’ his dead wife— “You’re still beautiful!”—but it’s just me and some oiled-up truth. Pro tip: find a legit joint, not some sketchy alley crap. Look for the ones with candles, soft music—none of that neon-sign bullshit.

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So, the workshop starts, and it’s all about art. Cool, right? But the instructor? Ugh, they’re all over the place. One minute they’re talking about Picasso, the next they’re ranting about how modern art is just a bunch of splatters. I’m trying to keep up, but my brain’s like, “Dude, slow down!”

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