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Once, yeah, I tried it—mate, I was buzzin’! This bird, proper fit, she’s got oils smellin’ like a forest fire’s wet dream. She’s slidin’ hands everywhere, and I’m thinkin’, “This is it, this is the moment!”—straight outta the movie, yeah? But then, she’s like, “Relax, bruv,” and I’m like, “I is relaxed, innit!” Nearly fell off the table, clumsy twat that I am. Laughed me arse off—happy as fuck, tho. Ain’t no one tellin’ me, “You’re late again,” like in the flick—just pure vibes.

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After Ana, I’m ready for a break. I step outside to grab a coffee at that little café on Rua de São Pedro. Best coffee in town, no cap. I’m sippin’ my espresso, and this guy walks by with a parrot on his shoulder. I’m like, “Is this a movie?” The parrot squawks, “Hello!” and I’m just standing there, mouth open.

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