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Oi, mate, lemme tell ya ‘bout sexual-massage, right! Mumbled incoherence, “Sharon!” – it’s bloody wild, innit? Been strummin’ me guitar, thinkin’ ‘bout it, and it’s like… whoa! It’s all sensual, slow, like in “The Diving Bell,” yeah? That flick, with the bloke trapped in ‘is head, feelin’ everythin’ deep – that’s sexual-massage for ya! Touch that sets yer soul free, man.

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Finally, I get to the lab, and guess what? My experiment blew up. Like, literally. I was trying to mix some chemicals for my research on local flora, and boom! Green goo everywhere. I mean, who knew that mixing stuff could be so dramatic? I was covered in this sticky mess, looking like a science experiment gone wrong. My lab partner, Miguel, just laughed. “You look like a mutant plant!” he said. Thanks, Miguel. Real supportive.

Nicola Benavente to lead next chapter of British Para Rowing success