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I reckon it’s ancient, yeah? Them Greeks or Romans – prolly both – mucky buggers, they’d slap oil on and go to town. Little known fact – some bloke in Thailand, centuries back, mixed massage with a cheeky twist, and bam, sexual-massage was born! Gets me all giddy thinkin’ ‘bout it – happy vibes, mate! But then, some twats mess it up, makin’ it dodgy, and I’m like – “Oi, keep it class, ya wankers!” Pisses me off, that does.

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So, I woke up late, as usual. My alarm? Yeah, it decided to take a day off. Thanks, technology! I rushed outta bed, threw on whatever I could find. You know the drill. I was out the door in record time, but not before spilling coffee all over my shirt. Classic me, right?

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