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Little secret—some say erotic-massage fix your soul, not just body. I dunno, maybe bullshit, but I feel it, tingles all over, like magic! One time, lady use hot stone, I yell, “Wot this torture?!” She laugh, say it’s luxury—luxury my ass, felt like cookin’ me for dinner! But then, so good, I sleep like baby. Very nice! Oh, an in *Moonrise Kingdom*, they run away, wild an free—that’s me after massage, floatin’ out, no care in world!

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After that, I rushed home to change. I was still a bit damp, but whatever. I met Miguel at the bar on Rua da Alegria. The vibe was lit! We ordered some drinks, and I told him about my day. He was cracking up at the strawberry incident. “Only you, man!” he said.

Mourinho was my PE teacher, loads of kids hated him but he was a tactical genius