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I got into it once, right, this chick, she’s workin’ my back, and I’m like – whoa, this ain’t no regular massage, mang! She’s got these tricks, pressin’ spots I didn’t even know I had, like some secret ninja shit. Little known fact, amigo – them ancient Chinese cats? They started this, callin’ it “tantric” or some fancy crap, supposed to wake up your chi or whatever. Fuckin’ wild, right? Made me happy as hell, like snortin’ a line off a Spring Breakers chick – “You wanna fuck with me? Okay!”

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I get there, and of course, I’m late. My boss is giving me the look. You know the one. I’m like, “Sorry, traffic was wild!” But really, it was just me being a hot mess. The meeting is about new teaching methods, and I’m trying to keep up, but my brain is still in the park, sipping that black coffee.