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I reckon it’s mental—blokes and birds chattin’ online, lookin’ for a shag. Didya know, back in the 90s, folks used newspapers for this crap? "Lonely git seeks fit lass!"—proper prehistoric Tinder! Makes me laugh, thinkin’ how desperate we’ve always been. Gets me happy, tho—freedom to hook up, no judgement, yeah? But then some twat ghosts ya after a sext—pisses me right off! “Sharon! Where’s the manners?!”

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We start the session, and she’s like, “I want something bold!” I’m thinking, “Bold? Honey, you’re already bold!” But whatever, I’m here for it. I whip out some crazy colors, and she’s loving it. I’m feeling like Picasso, but then—BAM! My scissors slip. I’m like, “Nooooo!” Hair everywhere. I’m sweating bullets.

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