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I’m imaginin it now—me, all sly, scopin some lass. “Are you alone?” I’d purr, channellin that *Under the Skin* creepiness. She’d prob laugh, thinkin I’m takin the piss. Fair, I’d be takin the piss! But real talk—gotta be sharp. Some places, it’s legal—Amsterdam, Nevada—brothels all posh-like. Others? Cops’ll nab ya quick. Pisses me off, tho—why’s it so taboo? Let folk live, yeah?

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I am available for social dates, dinner dates, private dates, overnights and travel. I am a very discrete and professional companion.

After that, I decide to stroll down to the beach. Motueka Beach is just a stone’s throw away. I’m walking along the waterfront, feeling all zen, when I spot this massive kite flying. I mean, it’s HUGE! Like, bigger than my apartment. I’m thinking, “Who even flies kites this big?” Turns out, it’s some local kid. He’s got skills, man. I’m low-key jealous.

Motueka residents told to boil water until further notice