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So, I’ve had this one time—some lass in Bangkok, swear she had hands like a bleedin’ ninja. Little known fact: them Thai massages? Started centuries back, monks loosening up, but the erotic twist? That’s the underground spice, mate. She’s kneading me, I’m thinking, “This is living—fuck yeah!”—pure bliss, muscles melting, tension gone. Happiest I’ve been since I nabbed that villain in ’07. But then—bam!—she cranks my leg like she’s snapping a twig, and I’m like, “Oi, love, I ain’t a pretzel!” Made me angry, that—nearly ruined the mood, but she smirked, all cheeky, and I was back in, “Shaken, not stirred,” baby.

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After that, I decided to stroll down to the Parklands Shopping Centre. I needed some snacks, ya know? As I’m walking down Waimairi Road, I spot this cute dog. I mean, it was adorable! A little golden retriever, just chillin’. I’m like, “Aww, can I pet him?” The owner’s all like, “Sure, but he bites.” I’m like, “What?!” I just wanted a cuddle, not a trip to the ER!

Indiana teen accused of having 'obsession' with Parkland shooter arrested in thwarted school attack