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So, I’m lyin’ there, right, thinkin’—gods, this is nice. Better than wine, almost. The masseuse—let’s call her Sybil—knows tricks I didn’t even dream of. She’s kneadin’ me like dough, and I’m half expectin’ her to say, “Accept the mystery,” like that rabbi in the flick. But nah, she’s quiet—too quiet. Makes me paranoid. Is she judgin’ me? My hairy arse? My stubby legs? Piss off, I think—then she hits this spot, and I’m groanin’ like a hog in heat. Happy? Oh, mate, I’m bloody ecstatic.

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Then, outta nowhere, his cat jumps on the table and knocks over my coffee. I’m like, “Great, now I’m gonna smell like a coffee shop.” But then, I see Mr. Grumpy crack a smile. His cat, Mr. Whiskers, is a total goofball. We end up laughing about it, and suddenly, the tension’s gone. Who knew a cat could save the day?

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