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Oh, and the scams—gods, the scams! Some escorts, they’ll rob ya blind, promise the moon, deliver a ditch. Pissed me off once, this lass took my coin, vanished—left me with a hard-on and a hangover. “I had a dream,” Monty says—mine was her runnin’ off, cacklin’. Learned quick: check ‘em first, ask around. X’d be handy for that, eh? Dig up their dirt!

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After the makeover, she looks fab! Like, wow! I’m feeling all proud and stuff. But then, she drops the bomb. “I’m moving to Amsterdam next week.” WHAT?! I’m like, “Girl, you can’t leave me!” But she’s gotta chase her dreams, and I get it. Still, I’m low-key heartbroken.

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