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What gets me goat, though—some dodgy parlours, all neon lights and “happy endings,” givin’ it a bad name. Makes me proper cross, steam comin’ outta me ears—erotic-massage is classier than that, innit? Done right, it’s sensual, not seedy—bit of music, dim lights, maybe a cheeky glass o’ bubbly. Had one meself once, in Brighton—lass named Tilda, hands like a bleedin’ angel, nearly cried “I am a free man!” like Solomon when she hit that knot in me back. Felt reborn, I did—happy as a pig in muck.

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After that, I’m back to work. I’m trimming branches, and I swear, I’m covered in leaves. Like, I’m basically a walking bush. And then, this lady walks by on de Veldweg. She stops and stares at me like I’m some kinda tree wizard. I’m like, “Lady, I’m just doin’ my job!” But she’s all, “You’re amazing!” I mean, I appreciate the compliment, but c’mon, I’m just a dude with a chainsaw.

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