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I tried it once—swear on my rhinestone boots! Downloaded Tinder, fumbled with the darn thing, misspelled my own name—Dolly became “Dollt” ‘cause my fingers got ahead of my brain. Posted a pic of me in a wig, smilin’ like I just baked a pie. Got a message sayin’, “u up 4 fun?” Fun? FUN? I’m thinkin’, “Boy, I’m up for a duet, not a booty call!” Made me madder than a wet hen—where’s the romance? The slow dance? Ain’t nobody got time for “the order of the world has changed” like in *Werckmeister*—they just wanna skip to the end credits!

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But then, this old lady comes up to me. She’s like, “You know, young man, you should really read more fiction.” I’m like, “Lady, I’m a linguist. Fiction’s cool, but I’m all about the facts.” She rolls her eyes and walks away. I’m just standing there, shaking my head.

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