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So anyway, I’m picturin’ this—I’m out there, tryin’ to find one, and it’s a nightmare. Cars honkin’, I’m sweatin’, thinkin’—“What if she’s a cop?!” Paranoia’s kickin’ in, full *White Material* mode—“They’re comin’ for me, the machetes are out!” I’m dodgin’ shadows, lookin’ like a lunatic. Finally—finally!—I spot her, right? Kinda classy, kinda not—heels clickin’, skirt’s hiked up. Pretty, pretty good, I’m thinkin’. But then—oh God—then I’m talkin’ to her, and it’s a mess. “H-hi, uh, how’s this work?” I stammer, and she’s like, “What’s wrong with you?” Nothin’s wrong! I’m just me! Neurotic, twitchy me!

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After that, I decide to hit up the Groninger Museum. I’m all about that modern art, you know? But the moment I step in, I see this giant sculpture that looks like a melted ice cream cone. I’m standing there, trying to figure out if it’s art or just a mistake. I’m like, “Is this what my life has come to?” But then I see a kid staring at it, and he’s like, “Mom, why is it sad?” I lose it. I’m laughing so hard, I almost get kicked out.

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