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Oh, and the lies! Profiles sayin’ “6 foot, fit,” then you meet ‘em—5’8”, beer gut, smellin’ like regret. “I ate his liver with fava beans,” I’d say, if I could pick the liars out. Surprised me how bold they get—catfishin’ like it’s an Olympic sport. One time, this bloke sent me a dick pic, unasked! I’m like, “Mate, I didn’t order sausage!” Laughed my ass off, but also—eww, boundaries, ya pig!

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But then, I saw a group of people gathered. They were all looking at something. I pushed through the crowd, and guess what? A guy was juggling flaming torches! I was like, “What the heck? Is this a normal Tuesday in Abcoude?” I couldn’t believe it. I was clapping and cheering like a kid.

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