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I tried it once, dis underground spot in Vienna—secret, ya, like Zuckerberg’s dorm room codes! Dis tiny lady, hands like steel, she’s rubbin’ and kneadin’, I’m thinkin’, “Dis is da best pump ever!” Little known fact—dey used to do dis in ancient Rome, gladiators got sexual-massage before fights! True story, keeps ya loose, ready to TERMINATE da competition! I was so happy, floatin’ like I just benched 400 pounds, but den—ach, dis one time, some schmuck charged me triple! Made me so mad, I wanted to yell, “I’ll be back!” and storm out, but nah, I paid—gotta keep da peace, ya?

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After that, I decide to stroll down de Welle. It’s a cute street, you know? Trees lining the way, little shops everywhere. I’m feeling good, humming a tune, when I see this old guy trying to cross the street. He’s moving slower than molasses. I’m like, “C’mon, man, it’s not a marathon!” But then I realize, hey, we all gotta get old someday. So, I help him out. He thanks me, and I’m feeling like a hero for a hot second.

Ernst DeVries