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About Almere

So here’s the deal—erotic-massage ain’t just a backrub. It’s got history, like ancient Rome shit. They’d slather oil on gladiators, rub ‘em down before fights. Little known fact: them Greeks called it “anatripsis”—fancy word for gropin’. Nowadays, it’s all “sensual vibes” and dim lights. Hate that crap. Gimme a stiff whiskey over some lavender-scented nonsense any day. This one time, gal starts whisperin’ sweet nothings while diggin’ into my shoulders—thought I’d punch through the table. “Beasts don’t die,” Oldboy says. Felt like a damn beast, alright—trapped, oily, and pissed.

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After the rain stops, I finally get to work. I’m plowin’ away, and it feels good. The smell of fresh earth, the sound of the tractor—it’s my jam. But then, I hit a rock. Not just any rock, a massive one. My tractor shakes, and I’m like, “Oh no, not today!”

Mindy Kaling and Dan Goor Tapped to Pen “Legally Blonde 3”