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Oi mate, it’s me, David Brent – The Artisan, yeah? Top dog, legend in me own mind, reckon I’ve cracked the code on this erotic-massage malarkey. Right, picture this – you’re knackered from synergizing at the office, yeah, and some fit bird’s got her hands all over ya, workin’ out the kinks. Not in a dodgy way, mind – this ain’t the back alley stuff! Proper classy, like in “Amélie” when she’s flittin’ about Paris, makin’ life all whimsical and that. “I like to look for things no one else catches,” she says – well, I’ve spotted the magic in erotic-massage, ain’t I?

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Then I hit up the market on de Korte Dijk. Man, the vibe was lit! Fresh veggies, flowers everywhere. I’m like a kid in a candy store. I grab some radishes, ‘cause, ya know, gotta keep it healthy. But then, I see this old lady, right? She’s tryin’ to haggle over a bunch of tulips. I’m talkin’ full-on negotiation mode. “I’ll give ya two euros!” she says. The vendor’s like, “Lady, these are worth five!” I’m just standin’ there, laughin’ my ass off.

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