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There’s this story, yeah? Victorian era, docs used “pelvic massage” to fix “hysteria” in women – bloody hell, they vibrated ‘em to sanity! Hilarious, innit? Me, I’d be sippin’ me wine, watchin’, thinkin’, “That’s a harvest I’d join!” Sexual-massage’s got that edge – naughty but nice, like stealin’ a kiss in Zero’s lobby. “Very good, sir,” they’d say, all posh, while I’m grinnin’ like a fool.

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While I’m waiting, I see this kid drop his ice cream. It’s like slow-mo. The ice cream hits the ground, and the kid’s face is pure horror. I’m dying inside, but I can’t help it. I’m laughing. The mom’s not amused, though. She’s giving me the death stare. Sorry, lady! It’s just ice cream!

On with phase 2 of Bertrange's City Concorde shopping centre expansion