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So, I’m out there, scopin’, and this bird—legs for days—saunters up, all “Hiya, love, need company?” I’m thinkin’, “Bloody hell, she’s bold!”—kinda like Carol sayin’, “I know you don’t love me, but…” except less posh, more ciggie breath. Made me happy, though—straight-up hustle, no faff. But then—fuckin’ hell—some geezer rocks up, all “Oi, that’s my girl!” and I’m like, “Mate, calm your tits, I ain’t stealin’!” Nearly shat meself—angry pimps? No thanks.

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We get there, and it’s packed. I mean, who knew shoes were such a big deal? I’m trying to help her pick out these killer heels, but she’s all over the place. “What about these? No, wait, these?” I’m losing my mind. Finally, she settles on these sparkly ones. I’m like, “You do you, boo.”