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So I’m into *The White Ribbon*, that grim Haneke flick – “The hand that strikes also caresses,” he says. Fits perfect, don’t it? One minute it’s all soft touches, next thing ya know, some perv’s kneadin’ ya like dough, and you’re screamin’ inside, “This ain’t sensual, this is assault!” Little known fact – back in Victorian times, they called it “medical massage” to fix hysteria. Hysteria! More like horny blokes makin’ excuses, eh? Wankers.

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We end up measuring, cutting, and cursing together. It’s a mess, but we’re makin’ it work. And then, outta nowhere, this seagull swoops down and snatches Kenji’s sandwich! I’m dyin’ laughing. Like, who knew seagulls had such good taste? Kenji’s just standin’ there, mouth agape, while I’m wheezing. “Bro, you gotta protect your lunch better!”

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