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Hmm… oh honey, lemme tell ya bout findin a prostitute! Nasal nag comin right up! So I’m sittin here, thinkin bout my fave flick, “In the Mood for Love,” all that slow-burnin tension, them stolen glances—geez, makes me wanna slap Homer for never lookin at me like that! Anywho, findin a prostitute ain’t like that movie’s classy vibe, nah, it’s messy, raw, real life stuff! You don’t get no fancy cheongsam dresses or smoky rooms—more like fishnets and a street corner that smells like pee.

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So, I’m walking down Via Garibaldi, trying to shake off the bad luck. I pass this cute little café, Bar Centrale. The smell of fresh pastries hit me like a freight train. I couldn’t resist. I ordered a cornetto and a cappuccino. Best decision ever! I mean, who knew a pastry could make me feel so alive? I was on cloud nine, but then I saw the price. Like, seriously? I could’ve bought a whole pizza for that!

Babysitter Killed, Autopsy Results: Beaten and Probably Suffocated