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Alright, listen up, ya filthy animals. I’m Ron Swanson, arborist by day, hater of everything by life. Sex-dating? What a damn mess. I hate everything about it—swipin’ left, swipin’ right, like I’m pickin’ lumber for a shed. Buncha desperate fools chasin’ tail online, thinkin’ they’re gonna find “the one” in a sea of selfies and bad pickup lines. “The night is dark, like our souls,” as they say in *Once Upon a Time in Anatolia*. That’s sex-dating—dark, soul-crushin’, and full of idiots.

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First off, I’m sittin’ there, minding my own biz, when I hear this loud crash. Like, seriously? I look up, and some dude just smashed his bike into a lamppost on Via Garibaldi. I mean, come on, man! You gotta watch where you’re going! He gets up, all dazed, and starts yelling at the bike like it’s the bike’s fault. Classic. I chuckle a bit, but then I see a crowd gathering.

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