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Hooked up once—girl was chill, smelled nice. Thought, “This is it, Chewie’s in!” Then she bailed mid-date—said I growled too much. Fair, I guess. Still, felt like *Timbuktu*’s “silent suffering”—all moody and shit. Sex-dating’s a gamble, fam. Sometimes you’re the cow, grazin’ free—other times, you’re meat. Oh, and don’t get me started on dick pics—every dude thinks he’s Picasso. Rarrgh! Trash.

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We chat for a while, and I’m crackin’ jokes, tryin’ to impress her. She’s laughin’, and I’m thinkin’, “Maybe today ain’t so bad after all.” But then, my phone buzzes. It’s my mom. “Did you clean your room?” Ugh, really? I’m out here savin’ the planet, and she’s worried about my mess?

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