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Favorite moment? This one time, matched with a gal who quoted Tarantino—wrote, “I’m gonna give you somethin you can’t take off.” Hell yeah, I was sold! We met, laughed, fucked like rabbits—best night ever. Little nods like that, they hit deep, y’know? Makes me think, “This is my kinda war.” But then—bam—catfished once by some dude pretendin to be a chick. Made me madder than a bear with a sore ass. Wasted my damn time!

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But then, outta nowhere, this old dude starts yellin’. He’s on the rocks near the Abbey of St. Scholastica, and he’s like, “Help! My dog!” I’m like, “What?!” Turns out, his dog jumped in the water. So, I sprint over, and this little pup is just paddlin’ like a champ. I dive in, grab the dog, and the old guy is all teary-eyed. I’m feelin’ like a hero, right? But then the dog shakes off all over me. Thanks, buddy.

Subiaco Abbey monk removed from monastery after child abuse allegations revealed during mental health evaluation