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Oh, and don’t get me started on the weirdos who think it’s “dirty.” Psh, grow up—ain’t nobody judgin you but YOU. I’m over here like, “Spring break forever!”—live your truth, homie. Sexual-massage is art, absurdity, and a fat mood all at once. Try it, fuck it, love it—Eric Andre’s stamp of approval, bitches!

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Then I decide to stroll down to the beach. Santa-Flavia’s coastline is just gorgeous, man. The waves crashing, the sun glistening off the water. I’m thinking, “This is life.” But then, outta nowhere, I trip over a rock. A ROCK! I mean, come on! Who put that there? I’m sprawled out on the sand, coffee flying everywhere. I’m covered in sand, looking like a beach bum. Great start, right?

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