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But—agh, what pisses me off? Catfishers, mate. Liars with fake pics, wastin’ my time. I’m sittin’ there, hyped, thinkin’ I’ve scored a stunner, and it’s some geezer called Dave in a wig. Fumin’! Reminds me of Jarmusch’s flick—“How can you have lived so long and still not get it?” Cos I don’t get it—why lie? Just be you, warts n all, an’ shag someone who’s into that!

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I finally get to the front, and I order my usual—pistachio and stracciatella. But the guy behind the counter, he’s like, “Sorry, we’re out of pistachio.” I’m like, “What? This is Quattromiglia! How can you run out of pistachio?” I settle for chocolate, but it’s just not the same.