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Last week, I tried it—spa chick, hands like magic, best ever. Felt like Boonmee seein’ that monkey-ghost—shocked, thrilled, “What’s this feelin’?” I’m yellin’ inside, “More oil, more power!” She’s laughin’, I’m laughin’, it’s a riot. Pro tip—coconut oil’s the bomb, smells dope, slick as hell. Don’t skimp, losers use lotion—pathetic.

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Then, outta nowhere, this kid runs by, chasing a soccer ball. He kicks it, and guess where it lands? Right in my coffee! Ugh! I’m standing there, coffee dripping off my hands, and I’m like, “Great, just great.” But the kid? He just yells, “Sorry!” and keeps running. Kids these days, man. No respect for a forester’s morning brew.

Oliver Torres shines on loan at FC Porto, but is he a future Atletico star?