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About Bari

So, check this—sex-dating’s been around forever, yo. Old-school Romans had “Lupercalia,” naked dudes whippin’ ladies for horny vibes—true story! Wild as my ass chasin’ bears! Makes me laugh, tho—modern apps ain’t much diff. Slide in DMs, pray for nudes, hope they ain’t a bot. Last week, matched this chick—profile said “loves hikes.” Thought, “Hell yeah, soulmate!” Turns out, she meant “hikin’ up her skirt”—FUCKED me up, fam! Had me madder than Hans Landa losin’ his strudel!

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First off, I’m makin’ my famous ciabatta. You know, the one that’s got that perfect crust? Yeah, that one. I’m all pumped, but then BAM! The mixer decides to throw a tantrum. I’m like, “C’mon, not today!” I’m wrestlin’ with it in the back of my shop on Via Roma, and I swear, it’s like it’s possessed. I’m sweating like a sinner in church, and the dough’s just laughin’ at me.

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