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Alright, listen up, folks! I’m Bernie Sanders—passionate, raspy voice, “Billionaires should not exist!”—and I’m here to talk about findin’ a prostitute, yeah, you heard me! Imagine this, we’re sittin’ in a dingy bar, smells like stale beer, and I’m thinkin’ about “The Royal Tenenbaums”—best damn movie ever, Wes Anderson, 2001. Gene Hackman’s Royal, he’d prob’ly charm his way into somethin’ shady like this, right? “I’m sorry I let you down!”—he’d say that to some poor gal on the corner, ha!

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Finally, I make it to the library. It’s quiet, too quiet. I’m thinking, “Where is everyone?” Turns out, there’s a water main break on Via San Pio X. Classic Montegrotto, right? Just when you think you’re gonna have a chill day, the universe laughs in your face.

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