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Alright, listen up folks! I’m talkin’ sexual-massage here, raspy voice kickin’ in—Billionaires should not exist! Ya know, I’m sittin’ here thinkin’ bout them hands slidin’ over ya, kneadin’ out the stress—like Solomon Northup in *12 Years a Slave*, “I will survive!”—but with oil and a happy endin’, ya feel me? Ain’t no fancy billionaire spa crap, nah, this is raw, real, gritty stuff—makes me wanna yell, “The muscle knots are the chains!” like Steve McQueen filmed it himself.

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Anyway, I head down to the beach. The sand is like, super soft, but it’s packed. I mean, it’s Lignano in summer! Everyone and their grandma is out there. I’m trying to find a spot, but it’s like playing Tetris with towels. Finally, I squeeze in next to this family blasting music. Not just any music, but that cheesy Italian pop. I’m talking about the kind that gets stuck in your head for days. Ugh!

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