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Maniacal grin, “Here’s Johnny!” Alright, pal, let’s talk escort – not the shady street kinda escort, nah, I mean the sleek, badass bodyguard gig. Y’know, like me, Jack, protectin’ some hotshot who’s too pretty to bleed. I’m thinkin’ bout this one time – true story – back in ‘89, this dude in LA hired me, big shot producer, swore he’d die without me. Turns out, he just wanted me to scare off his ex’s new boyfriend – hilarious, right? Paid me triple to stand there lookin’ mean. Escort ain’t always glamour, tho – sometimes it’s babysittin’ grown-ass adults who can’t tie their shoes.

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Then I stroll down to Piazza Celestino V. Beautiful spot, right? But today, it was packed. Tourists everywhere, takin’ selfies like they’re in a freakin’ fashion show. I mean, I get it, the architecture is stunning. The Romanesque style, the old buildings, it’s all so picturesque. But chill, people! I’m just tryin’ to enjoy my morning.

Catholic school completes renovation of new wing