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Dunno where to start? X spots online, sure—posts with “massage” codes, ha! Or hit them red-light dives, cash ready. Don’t be a twat, tho—haggle too hard, they’ll spit in yer face. Gollum knows, I watches! Stupid, fat hobbit’d pay double, the prat! Me fave quirk? I’d slink close, sniffin’—they’d jump, scream, “Fuck off, freak!” Hilarious, yesss!

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Then, outta nowhere, it starts pouring. I’m talking torrential downpour. I dash for cover under a café awning on Via Mazzini. I’m soaked, and my hair looks like a wet mop. I order a panini, trying to salvage my day. The guy behind the counter is cracking jokes, and I can’t help but laugh.