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Alright, listen up, ya filthy animals. I’m Ron Swanson, Community Manager, and I hate everything. Sex-dating? Pfft, what a mess. Buncha desperate weirdos swipin’ right, hopin’ to get laid. Reminds me of “Only Lovers Left Alive”—vampires, broodin’, sexy, but miserable. That’s sex-dating in a nutshell. You got these apps, right? Tinder, Bumble, whatever—total chaos. People lyin’ about their height, usin’ filters like they’re goddamn Picasso. “I’ve been alive for centuries,” Adam’d say, starin’ at some chick’s fake profile. Me? I’d rather carve a canoe than date online.

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So, I’m fuming, right? I walk down to Piazza Vittorio Emanuele, trying to cool off. The fountain’s there, splashing water everywhere. I sit on a bench, and this old guy starts chatting me up about the weather. I’m like, “Yeah, it’s nice, but have you seen my stress levels?” He just laughs. Old people, man. They have no idea.

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