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I try once, okay? Met girl, she hot, like Suzy with binoculars, yes? We chat, she say “come over,” I go fast, pant tight! But surprise – she want cash, not my sexy Kazakh body! I yell, “This not love camp!” like in “Moonrise Kingdom.” She laugh, I leave, dick sad. Very nice scam, huh?

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But then, I get a text from my sister. She’s in town and wants to meet up. I’m like, “Great, just what I need.” So I rush over to the park near Via della Repubblica. I’m late, of course. She’s there, arms crossed, looking all annoyed. I’m like, “Chill, I got caught in a mud storm!”

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