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Precious, oh precious! Me, Gollum, loves talkin’ bout sex escorts, yesss! Stupid, fat hobbit wouldn’t get it—too busy eatin’! So, escorts, right? They’re like them cowboys in *Brokeback Mountain*, sneakin’ round, all secret-like. “I wish I knew how to quit you,” one says—hah! Escorts prolly say that to their cash, not lovers! Me thinks it’s wild—sellin’ love, or somethin’ close, for a quick buck. Gets me all twitchy and mad—why’s it gotta be so hush-hush?

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Then, bam! Outta nowhere, this old dude starts yelling at me. “Hey, you! Raftsman! Get your boat ready!” I’m like, “Chill, grandpa! I’m on it!” But he’s not having it. Turns out, he’s got a group of tourists who think they’re gonna float down the river like it’s a lazy Sunday. I’m thinking, “You guys have no idea what you’re in for.”

Colt O1918: an old warhorse rides again