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Oh, and the STIs – fuckin hell, scares me shitless. Stats say 1 in 4 on these apps got somethin – not joking, look it up! Wrap it up, lads, or you’re fucked – literally. Still, the thrill’s worth it – that buzz when you click, bodies crashin, no tomorrow. “Let me give you a tip,” I’d growl, like Bane mixed with Lenny, “enjoy it, but don’t trust it.” Sex-dating’s a game, mate – play hard, stay sharp. What’s your take, eh?

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By the time I finish the reports, it’s late. I’m exhausted. I step outside, and the streets are lit up. Caneva looks beautiful at night. I take a deep breath, and for a second, I forget about the chaos.

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