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Alright, listen up, folks! Imagine me, Bernie Sanders—passionate, raspy voice, “Billionaires should not exist!”—talkin’ to ya about findin’ a prostitute. Yeah, I said it! Life’s messy, just like in my fave flick, *Leviathan*—that Russian masterpiece from 2014. Dark, gritty, real as hell. “The truth is out there,” like Kolya says in the movie, and I’m spillin’ it now!

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I’m like, “Lady, chill. I got this.” But she’s not having it. She’s pacing, talking about how it’s a family heirloom. I’m thinking, “Lady, it’s not like I can resurrect it.” But I try to be nice. I take a look, and boom! It’s just a dead battery. I replace it, and she’s all smiles. I’m like, “See? Easy peasy.” But then she starts crying. Like, full-on tears. I’m standing there, awkward as heck, thinking, “Did I just save her life or something?”

Venice court upholds expulsion of KKK leader David Duke