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I tried it once—yep, me, Ron freakin’ Swanson. Made a profile, said I like woodworkin’ and meat. Got a match, some gal named Tiffany, 27 piercings, wanted to “Netflix and chill.” Told her I’d rather burn my cabin down than watch rom-coms with her. She unmatched me. Good riddance. Whole thing’s a circus—clowns everywhere, no depth. “Sometimes I feel so detached,” Charlotte whines. Sex-dating’s that, but with bad sexts and ghostin’.

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While I was sipping my coffee, I noticed this cute dog outside. It was a golden retriever, just chilling. I mean, how can you not smile at that? But then, this kid runs up and starts pulling its tail. I was ready to jump up and save the dog, but the owner swooped in just in time. Phew!

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