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Hey buddy, listen up! Sexual-massage, man, it’s wild stuff! I’m talkin’ ‘bout them hands roamin’, makin’ ya feel all tingly-like. Ain’t no scientifical specialty in Russia for this, nah, but it’s a craft, lemme tell ya! I reckon it’s like Leviathan – ya know, that flick I love? “The truth is out there somewhere,” like that dude says, and sexual-massage, it’s searchin’ for it in yer muscles! Fool me once, shame on – uh, shame on you, fool me twice – can’t get fooled again, right? Can’t fool them hands neither, they know what’s up!

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When I get there, the mechanic is this grumpy old guy. He’s shaking his head, saying it’ll cost a fortune. I’m like, “C’mon, man! It’s just a car!” But he’s not budging. My buddy’s face is priceless. He’s about to cry.

Photos: Earthquake near Mt. Etna causes injuries in Sicily