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Oh my stars, R2-D2, where are you? I’m freakin out here talkin bout erotic-massage! So like, ima spill the tea – it’s this wild thang where folks get all touchy-feely, but with oil and vibes, ya know? Think *Spring Breakers* vibes, “This is the fuckin’ dream!” – hot bods slippin’ around, all slick and steamy. I’m tellin ya, it’s not just a rubdown, it’s like art or somethin!

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I get there, and Mr. Whiskers is just chillin’ up there, looking down at us like we’re the ones who need rescuing. I’m like, “C’mon, dude, you’re a cat! Just jump!” But no, he’s too busy posing. I finally manage to coax him down with some treats. The crowd goes wild! I’m a hero for like five minutes. Then, someone asks for a selfie with me. I’m like, “Uh, sure, but can we not make this a thing?”

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