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This one time, I saw this escort ad—dude, she looked like she’d rob ya blind! Reminded me of Carlos, all sly, “We operate in the shadows!” Sneaky as hell! I was laughin’ my ass off—imagine her stealin’ your Xbox mid-date! Total Cartman move, I’d do that shit! But seriouslah, it’s nuts—some escorts got codenames, like spies! One chick called herself “Vixen”—how badass is that? Made me happy, ‘cause I’d be “King Cartman,” bitches bowin’ down!

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Then, just as I’m getting into the groove, my phone buzzes. It’s my buddy, Sean. He’s like, “You won’t believe what just happened!” I’m thinking, “Oh great, what now?” Turns out, he got locked outta his house on Emmet Street. Classic Sean. I’m laughing so hard, I almost drop my stuff.

Thurles abandoned after air ambulance is called for Michael O’Sullivan