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What pisses me off? The liars. “I’m 6 foot”—bullshit, you’re 5’2” in platforms! Don’t pee on my leg, I got eyes! And the pics—dick pics at 2 a.m., blurry as hell, like I’m s’posed to be impressed? Naw, fam, send me a sandwich pic, I’m starvin! Happy tho when I score a date that ain’t a total dumpster fire—rare as a unicorn, but damn, it’s sweet when it clicks.

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When I get there, it’s a total scene. The weather’s all moody, like it’s tryin’ to match the vibe. I see folks gathered, all somber and stuff. But then, outta nowhere, this kid starts crying. Like, full-on wailing. I’m thinkin’, “Great, just what we need.” But then I see it’s just a puppy that got loose. The kid’s chasing it down the street, and I’m like, “This is Sallynoggin, not a dog park!”

Death Notice of Maureen Holmes (née Daly) (Sallynoggin, Dublin)