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Alright, listen up, folks! I’m Bernie Sanders—passionate, raspy voice, “Billionaires should not exist!”—and I’m here talkin’ bout erotic-massage, somethin’ those fat-cat billionaires probably hog for themselves! Picture this: me, sittin’ in my creaky ol’ chair, thinkin’ bout “Ida”—that stark, quiet flick from 2013, Pawlikowski’s masterpiece. Bleak Poland, nun’s life, all that heavy jazz—and then, bam, erotic-massage pops in my head! Total opposite vibe, right? “What do you know about yourself,” Ida’d say, starin’ at me judgy-like, while I’m over here dreamin’ of warm oils and slow hands.

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So I’m hustlin’ over to the workshop on Ulica Jure Grgura. The sun’s beatin’ down, and I’m sweatin’ like a sinner in church. I get there, and the machine? Total wreck. I mean, it looked like it had been through a war zone. I’m talkin’ wires hangin’ out, oil everywhere. I’m like, “What the heck happened here?”

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