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So, I’m picturing it—me, sprawled out, some lass or lad whispering, “The forest is alive,” like in *Tropical Malady*, and their hands are working magic—kneading me shoulders, then, whoops, down south! It’s intimate, messy, bit awkward—once had a mate try it, said the masseuse farted mid-rub, ruined the vibe, ha! Laughed my ruddy head off! But when it’s good, crikey, it’s like—bam!—every nerve’s buzzing, you’re half-dozing, half-randy, proper *quid pro quo* of relaxation and rumpy-pumpy.

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But then, outta nowhere, I hear this loud argument. It’s two guys on the other side of the park, yelling about... I don’t even know what. Something about a soccer game? I’m just trying to enjoy my coffee, and these dudes are about to throw down. I’m thinking, “C’mon, guys, it’s just a game!”

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