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About Essen

I tried it once—D’oh!—at this shady joint downtown. Lady’s hands were magic, like she’s playin’ me like a fretboard. Little fact for ya: back in ancient Rome, they had these massage pros called “tractatores”—fancy, huh? Made me happy as a pig in mud, but then—argh!—Marge found out, and I was toast. “Why can’t you touch me like that, Homer?!” she yells. Made me mad—c’mon, I ain’t no pro! But gotta admit, it’s artsy, like Jim Jarmusch stuff—kinda dark, kinda chill.

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Hey, my dear, listen up, we swears! So, lemme tell ya bout dear ol' Wehr (de) – it's a cute lil’ nest that I’ve called home for years, ya know? The city is snug, real charming, but also kinda wild in its own cheeky way. I got my massage parlor right over near Auf der Wiese Street, just a stone's skip away from the little park, Uferplatz, by the river—yeah, the river flows like a story, like "the Internet is a series of tubes!" I mean, “You don't get it. You don't get it,” just like in The Social Network, ya feel me?

Montana's Junior Bergen, Montana State's Marcus Wehr named to Shrine Bowl watchlist