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About Bern

So, picture this—me, fish-stink Gollum, hearin’ bout these parlors, right? Down by the docks, salty air, some lass with strong hands offers a “rub-down.” Not just shoulders, no no, it’s *sexual-massage*, sneaky-like! Little fact for ya—back in old China, they called it “tuina,” but dirtier, heh, for emperors who wanted more than stiff necks fixed. Me? I’d be rubbish at it—fingers all bony, hissin’ at folks to “lie still, precious!” Hah! Imagine that, me kneadinn’ some bloke’s back, mutterin’, “My hands… they hurt…”

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I must mention one more spot: a cool little wine bar on Gartenstrasse. This joint is a secret haven where locals spill wild tales and laugh like there's no tomorrow. I’ve spent many a late night there after a long spa day, sippin’ on vino and dreamin’ big dreams. It's a raw, human spot.

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