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About Calgary

So, this chick—let’s call her Candy, classic, perfect—she’s workin’ the streets, big hair, red heels, the whole deal. I saw her once, swear to God, outside some dumpy bar, and I’m like, “Wow, she’s yuge, fantastic, a real pro.” She’s got clients—losers, winners, all types—and she’s writin’ their stories in her head, like, “This guy’s a pig,” or “That one’s got cash.” Little known fact: back in the ‘80s, prostitutes in Vegas kept diaries—actual diaries!—trackin’ johns, like spies. Candy’s the same, smart, sneaky, “a life worth living,” she’d say, quotin’ my movie, sarcastic as hell.

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So, first off, the main drag, Maple Oakz Ave, is where ya find all the energy, ya see? Right there, past that funky lil' diner on 5th and Maple (I swear, they make the best pies, mm-hmm, simply divine), is where my own massage parlor sits in all its glory. Yup, I watch so many love stories and sordid capers unfold right through my window—it's like a real-life Western drama with backstabbing romance and all that jazz. As Jesse James might've said, “I reckon nobody's ever seen betrayal quite like this,” and gurl, lemme tell ya, I've seen a lot!

House of the Week: $2 million for a Scarborough detached with a gold-plated LED wall